Quarter-life musing: A fortunate and unapologetically long reflection

Jan 2020

As my 26th birthday looms around the corner, I can’t help but reminisce about the awakening that was 2020. If I had to use only one word to describe it, it would be Transformative, and I only have a pandemic and the domino of events it initiated to thank for that. And yes, I recognize my privilege when I say that a year like this positively impacted me when it was a rough time for many. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have found and kept a job I cherish with kind and patient colleagues, to have been surrounded by friends and family whom I love and admire, to have been able to focus on my interests and hobbies, to have been happy and healthy— all from the comfort of my home. I am eternally grateful and value it now more than ever.

My year wasn’t off to a great start — my plans were unraveling and I’m the type of girl that needs a plan to function (or rather was this girl), and so the beginning of the pandemic didn’t bode too well for me. I was switching careers, my long term relationship ended, I dint get into my first preference graduate school, and then I couldn’t go to graduate school for another 1.5 years. I was in limbo and angry at the world. But here I am a year later, Amor Fati attitude included, wondering if a catastrophic event was what it took for a fresh perspective. This year definitely molded me into a new person, but would I have not been as happy or changed as much for the better if not for the circumstances? Was I already on the precipice of change? Was change the only way I could adapt? I guess ill never know. Nitchsze ( not long before he went a tad mad) said :

“My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it — all idealism is mendaciousness in the face of what is necessary — but love it”

One might argue that a mere acceptance of one’s fate might be defeatist, but Amor Fati does not imply giving up during times of adversity or constraining/submitting oneself due to the circumstances of their situation without working toward making it better. Simply put, it is the ability to meet life in such a way that it does not destroy your inner resolve because what may appear unbearable in the present moment could turn out to be a source of wonder and revelation. It accepts the pleasure and the pain because we wouldn’t know what pleasure was if we did not know pain. And so I’ve realized that with unpredictability there is the promise of potential, with being lost there is an opportunity to find and be found, and with discomfort, there is a chance for change.

It really did put into perspective the things that mattered. I learned about love, loss, healing, companionship, and most importantly myself and the person I wanted to become. While the lessons I learned aren’t the product of just one year, a year like this was what it took to assimilate them, and that was a lesson in itself because it made me see how far id come and just have gratitude.

On Love

Love comes easily with family (most of the time). You’re programmed to love each other unconditionally. You don’t pick them, you might not always agree with them or like them, but the love is always there. Very often we take each other for granted (a habit that takes awareness and practice to break) because we know at the end of the day, that that love is there for us if we need it. But the same unconditionality doesn’t always translate to the friends or partners we meet because they can choose not to tolerate our eccentricities, they can choose not to love us, and choose not to choose us.

A stranger on a beach, a three-date rendezvous, a romance with a pre-determined expiration date, a decade long relationship that was supposed to be “it”, and everything in-between. The length doesn’t really matter, some people can make you feel more in two weeks than two lifetimes. But each story is equally important and eventually when one is out of the trenches of heartbreak, the love (or the lack of) and the pain (or the lack of) can transform into the beauty of having discovered something more valuable than someone who could have maybe given you a forever.

I like to think that every experience has taught me something (consciously or in hindsight) — to love better, to be softer, to be kinder, to express myself better, to give more (or less), to be more my authentic self, to respect myself. I’ve learned that it’s important to hold people’s hearts the way you’d like yours to be held. That people don’t owe you their love, so when you do love, you do it because you choose to do it, not because you’re getting something in return, and that to me, makes it purer. Throw caution to the wind and offer what you have to offer, it can be magic if they’re able to hold that love, but if they can’t, you move on. And when they don’t, it’s not a reflection of your worth because everyone’s going through their own struggles in their own worlds. As common as love and relationships seem to be, it is so rare for two people to feel the same way about each other at the exact same time. Sometimes one person is ready and the other is not, sometimes one person tries and the other does not, sometimes one person fights for it and the other cannot, and that’s okay.

On Self-Love

I was reading somewhere how no one really knows the real you. That the version of you in your head is unique to you, and each person you interact with has their own versions of you in their heads, so no two people know you the same. That really made me think about the importance of being self-aware, and loving yourself because, in the end, you're the only one stuck with the you you know. You know?

Self-love not only involves prioritizing your needs but also means not subjecting yourself to circumstances that disempower you. Prioritizing myself was all it took for me to thrive, and often times it was perceived by others as being selfish. But our relationship with ourselves has such a huge impact on our relationship with other people that it is far from selfish in the long run. Learning about ourselves beyond our surface helps us understand how we love, hurt, and heal; how not to lose ourselves; how to treat ourselves with the same kindness that we would other people; or to forgive ourselves just as easily as we would forgive someone else; it helps break the conditioning of our upbringing and our past experiences. It is the foundation of our character and how we interact with the world and it must evolve as we evolve.

I watched Daniel Sloss’s Netflix special on recommendation from a friend when we were talking about our love lives and the dark humor of it all. While I’m too much of a romantic to be as cynical (or realistic) as he is, something he says made a lot of sense:

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself to work out who you are. There’s nothing wrong with being selfish for a bit because you’ve got the rest of your life to be selfless. If you only love yourself at 20% that means somebody can come along and love you 30%. Making you feel like that’s so much — it’s less than half. Whereas if you love yourself 100% a person that falls in love with you has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel special.

I think he’s right and it holds good for every kind of relationship one may come across. There’s no problem holding yourself to high standards of self-love and self-worth, you’ll end up choosing things that nurture your well-being and help you grow instead of settling for comfort and convenience.

On Forgiveness

I asked for forgiveness a lot this year for things I hadn’t properly apologized for in the past, apologized more often when I did something wrong in the present, and forgave more — myself and others.

A mindfulness practice I learned while studying the Yamas and Niyamas in the Yoga Sutras, specifically, Ahimsa or non-violence was recognizing when I inflict violence upon myself or another person, and consciously integrating compassion into everyday life. This violence is not necessarily physical, but anything inflicted upon someone without their consent. Understanding this starts with simply being aware of this violence after you inflict it — ok I said or did this, this was wrong, this was violent towards me or another person. By just watching it and recognizing it, I’d open myself to acknowledging the feeling of my own suffering or the suffering of another. The more you begin to practice this and become aware of your words and actions the more you become aware of your patterns, to the point of predicting it and thus preventing it.

It is a freeing experience that allows me to let go of the past and really live in the moment. Forgiving your own shortcomings makes it a lot easier to forgive them in others.

On Truth

I learned to speak my truth, no matter how much I feared it or how hard it was speaking it. As a person who leans towards being anxious when overwhelmed, I haven’t found anything that has made me feel lighter than saying how I feel when I feel it. The liberation that comes as a result of simply acknowledging your thoughts and feelings is expansive. It bridges the gap between what you feel and what you portray to the world, which is what genuine communication is all about. It’s like a muscle that has to be exercised to find freedom, self-respect, and confidence. It allowed me to be more vulnerable, to live more authentically, and allowed others around me to understand me better.

On Expectation

For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” — Thích Nhat Hạnh

Buddhist philosophy emphasizes detaching from desires and outcomes because doing so relieves suffering.

Detaching yourself from the outcome of a situation is never easy. I am no expert on this, philosophy is something I struggle with, but I have been trying to understand it in contexts that I’m exposed to and find that it is a useful tool. I don't believe in complete detachment, it's human nature to want, but I do believe in tweaking expectations, especially in situations out of my control, to be gentler with myself, and to live a healthier life. To detach is not to disconnect, in fact, it takes a lot of involvement to separate yourself from an outcome.

This year, I tried to inculcate it by

• Trying not to attach my ability to be happy to a desired outcome.
• Embracing uncertainty.
• Trying to not let my expectation of how I want a situation to turn out in the future, ruin its experience in the present.
• Seeing if I can give myself whatever I expect of another person.
• Asking for what I want instead of expecting it, and being respectful of the person's response to my ask.
• Practicing gratitude and vocalizing my appreciation.

The past year has been one where I consciously took charge of my life. Where I’ve tried to live authentically and do things that made me happy. I have much left to learn, of course, a lot of which takes practice and patience, but I know where I want to be. I'm grateful to everyone who has been part of this process and made me a better friend, lover, colleague, leader, and most importantly — a better human.